Zoom – As It (Didn’t) Happen
Hal
(In his best presentational voice) OK. Ready for our regular meeting. Using Zoom today. Everybody ready and willing? (laughs to himself)
Tracy
Hello? You there?
Can you hear me?
Dick
I’M HERE! CAN YOU SEE ME?
Ethel
My screen just went dark. Are you still there?
(beat) Oh, never mind. There you all are!
Hal
Is the whole team assembled? There should be about 12 of us, but I am only seeing five of you.
Tracy
Yeah. You have to have you photo turned on … Or something.
Dick
Is it working now? I wore a tie for this!
Bev
Sorry I’m late. I have brought the little one along. She’s colicky.
Gladys
Oh, that’s always a difficult time. Turn your camera on, Bev! I can’t see the baby.
Hal
We have a lot to get through this morning. Could we get started?
Tracy
I was going to ask if I could bring at least one of the kids. We’re home schooling them.
Tom
Yes. I have been working on numeracy with mine already today.
Hal
Could you all turn your cameras on? We can’t see you.
Tom
Oh. I haven’t really dressed yet. I thought this was more like texting.
Bev
What are you wearing, Tom? (giggles)
Tom
Well, PJ bottoms and a T shirt. Oh. And slippers.
Bev
Very sexy!
Hal
(clears throat) As I said, the agenda is quite full.
Gladys
Is that your kitchen, Hal? We were thinking of those kinds of cabinets.
Hal
Yes.
Gladys
They look good in glossy white. What did you use for backsplashes?
Hal
(annoyed) Another time, perhaps?
Tracy
Dick, are you in an office?
Dick
Yeah, it’s my home office. I built it under the stairs. Mostly to have a place away from the kids.
Tracy
Yes, I can hear them in the background. Screaming, are they?
Dick
Yes. It’s part of a game I think. (beat) Oh, fuck! The dog just bolted in!
Tracy
What kind is it? It looks like a Lab?
Dick
It’s a mix. Lab and Collie I think. Sorry for saying ‘fuck’.
Hal
No need for apologies, but could we get on?
Elenore
Hello, everybody! Can you see me? (Hellos, etc)
Sorry I’m late. I finally booked a food delivery. And they just came.
Tracy
You look shattered, Elenore.
Everything OK?
Elenore
Yes, mostly. It’s just getting used to all of this. I get a bit teary at times.
Tracy
Yes. Seems never to end.
Hal
And we are the lucky ones. Working at home and still getting full pay.
Tom
You say that. I’m not so sure. The anxiety level is miles high.
Hal
Well, maybe if you washed and dressed, Tom.
Tom
Thanks boss. I’ll take that on board.
Hal
Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound harsh. It’s hard times for all of us. (pauses, then) We’ve written a short paper about maintaining our mental health.
Should I circulate it again? (muttering and unclear voices)
Bev
I’ve just realized how many books are on the shelves behind you, Tom!
Tom
Yes, running out of room!
Bev
Have you read them all? (beat) Or are they just for show?
Hal
OK, gang! That’s about enough chit chat. Shall we make a start?
The clock is ticking and we have a lot to cover today. (more mumbling, then)
ON SCREEN: We are sorry but your allotted free time on Zoom has expired. If you would like to pay for more time and continue, please click “continue’ at the top of the page.
Hello?
Are we still on?
What do I do now?
I can’t see any of you?
My screen has gone black!
Your voice is fading!
(beat)
Hello, Hal? Do you read me?
The End.
